I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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