everyone is single if you try hard enough
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
