guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
