evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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