Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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