life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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