she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
