First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize