he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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