Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We were destined to go to rehab together
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
