Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
