i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize