Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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