nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
