How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
