I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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