can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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