When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
