Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
