Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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