Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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