if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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