You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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