Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
