I want to walk on stilts...naked
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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