Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
