Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
