maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
