Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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