He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
