i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
