i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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