Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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