he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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