i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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