The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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