my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
