Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
