OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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