i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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