then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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