Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
sex in a hospital.. check
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
