She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
