were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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