don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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