When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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