i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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