I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
