Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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