if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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