I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
