3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
