He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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